I have POCS

The more I learn about it, the more angry I get. Everything else was already going wrong and then they tell me my body is wrong in all the ways that piss me off in particular. I don't give a shit if i don't have kids. It pisses me off that people think that is what bothers me. My body is not my own. It's not acting how i need it to act and it doesn't feel like mine any more. I get sick more, I'm getting fatter, broader, shaped weird, and you think i care about a hypothetical child that will NEVER exsit?
No one fucking belives me when i say I am doing everything to get small again. Not Petit, just smaller than what i am now. I run, i jog, i diet, i eat healthy, i eat less, i force myself to shit when i don't have to and it makes no difference. I don't want extra fucking hair. I don't care if its downstairs or on my arm pits, i don't want it on my face. I don't want weird ass arms, i don't want acne, i don't want to keep getting sick, i don't want to feel sleepy, i don't want to be in danger of diabetes or any disease, i don't want to shed, i don't want to be bloated, i want to be pretty, i want to look how i want to look i want to look the way i am supposed to look and i want to not feel like my legs will break if i use them too much.
I have been doing extra bullshit for YEARS so i can LOOK healthy at the bare minimum, but it all means nothing, and now i find a cure doesn't exist because no one knows why it happens?????? MILLIONS OF WOMEN AROUND THE GLOBE FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG AND WE KNOW JACK SHIT!? I cant get rid of my Ovaries to fix it, because guess what? IT'S MY HORMONES! I don't even have the option to take drastic measures to fix it. I can't look in the mirror no matter how well i take care of myself, im so ugly, i can't stand it. I want to live. I really do, but every time i look down at my body or look in the mirror i resist the urge of ripping myself apart.
I hate this body so much i wish i could get rid of it. I can't talk to anyone because i get the same spill. "Youre still so beautiful" "you can manage it" i don't want reassurance, i want this to stop. I don't care if other people find me beautiful, i think i look like someone else. I don't want to manage it i want to not deal with it ever again.
At this point it feels like God, the Universe, or whatever hates me and wants everything that can go wrong to go wrong.

---

anonymous Body April 21, 2026 at 7:27 am 1 0