Stressed for having an easy life

I’m at an age right now where I’m very fresh to the job market as well as facing pressure for marriage. I’m a Muslim South Asian 23-year old woman, so while this rant is nonsensical to some, I just can’t explain what makes my situation so difficult. I want to build a career, but the state of my country makes it difficult for women to achieve success. Some fear that we’re heading towards a religiously extremist political revolution, and that makes me not want to live here more than anybody else. I suppose my parents see it too despite supporting the wave, so they’ve agreed to send me abroad for studies. The problem is they’ve always wished to get me married early. And technically, that’s the most convenient and economical option for sending me abroad (by marrying someone with residency). Thing is…I really don’t want to get married. I hate the idea of marrying more and more as the days pass. And I feel so immature for feeling that way. I’m not a capable person at all. I’m entirely dependent on my parents and relatives financially and socially. Perhaps if I was more sophisticated, adaptable, and knew my way around things, it would have been more sensible of me to not look forward to marriage.
I’m planning for Canada since that’s where I have the most support. But pursuing the career I want is incredibly rigid and costly there. I can’t just give up either because the job market there is horrible for other fields. I also just got rejected by a job I’ve been trying to for the whole year. It would have been the key to global mobility for me. Everything just feels so hopeless. I already blew a fuckton of money behind uni applications. My father is already breaking a leg preparing for all the fees he’ll have to cover for my studies.
A part of me just wants to give in to marrying some guy probably a decade older than me…just to get the weight of my family’s back knowing I’ll never be able to do so myself so soon. My career will take time to build and I will need to lock in as soon as I start. And it doesn’t pay very well for the first three years.
But that would also mean that I will never get to live the life everyone else around me got to live…
They misbehaved, lied, and rebelled until they proved themselves. I never did that. I was too busy studying and behaving that I never learned how life works. Fuck I still need my parents to come over and pick me up from work because this country is dangerous for women and I’m just too dumb to navigate it.
I can’t just break free. I wish someone understood that. I have no choice but to do everything fast to escape marriage and build a career asap. I crave control in life. I’m going to sound like such a shitty out-of-touch person (because I am) but I’d rather be homeless knowing it’s my choices that landed me here rather than someone else decide what I wear, where I go, or what I do anymore. I’m not even religious anymore, yet every guy they look for me is as religious as one can possibly be. Fuck even if I end up marrying into some liberal family, I’d hate to feel their eyes on what I do. I’d hate for a man I’m not attracted to ever touching me.
Gosh I’m so fucking spoiled. But I don’t want to be spoiled. I’m probably the only person in the world who doesn’t want an easy life.

Goodbye. I wish I drowned that one time I was a toddler

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anonymous Relationships December 13, 2025 at 6:45 am 0 1